GRENOBLE

So if I start this blog with the next sentence, I know someone is going to kill me. But here it is:

I am so crazy homesick right now, its not even funny. 

Maybe I should back up a little bit.

See that picture in the corner? That would be yours truly with the Eiffel Tower, which was epic of course because its the Eiffel Tower. 

So I left the day before new years eve, and got here on new years eve. I got to my hostel and slept, Happy new year! 

My program didn't start until the fourth, so as far as the program goes, I've been here for about a week. My first thought when I woke up in the morning, after getting in on new years eve and crashing was that I should have waited to leave. 

When I booked my ticket, I got the one on new years eve because right after there was a huge spike in ticket prices. It didn't really occur to me that the couple hundred dollars I saved on that ticket I would be spending on hostels and food. Mistake number one. It would have been better worth it to me to waste that couple hundred bucks anyway and spend a little more time with my family and friends. I barely saw my family because I was stuck in Seattle due to all that stupid snow. I didn't get to finally move out of my apartment until the day before I left (also because of that stupid snow) and I packed right before I left for the airport (because I couldn't pack until I'd moved out of my apartment). I didn't get to spend any time with my family at all, and now I just wish that I could have spent more time with them before I left. I was rushing around so much that I didn't have time to remember I was leaving. And when I remembered I was so depressed about it that I couldn't stand to be around the people I was leaving.

I know I should be so happy. I mean for Christ's sake I'm in France! But I feel so lonely. I miss my family more then words can describe.

I don't know why, but I keep feeling like I am going to be home soon. And then I realize I won't be and it just kills me. Part of me wonders if its just too late to come back home and start back at Seattle University. And I know that I won't go back, and I know that I won't give up, I just don't really want to stay.

So I was looking online about culture shock, which they told us about before I left. According to some random website, there are apparently four stages. The honeymoon period, rejection, regression and isolation, and finally adjustment and adaptation. So the honeymoon period which is when someone is really super excited about there new country lasted about five minutes for me. I know, horrible. But I think its because I knew I wasn't coming home soon, so the whole reality thing set in for me. See when I went to Ireland that whole honeymoon period lasted pretty much up until the last few days, when I was just ready to go home. But I wont be in France for three weeks, I'll be here for six months. Thats a little longer. Just sayin'.

According to my unprofessional experience, I am probably in between the second and third stage. Now the almighty internet says a few different things but in either two or three, someone will begin feeling isolated, homesick, and anger or resentment towards the culture they are in. I am three for three.

When I am doing my homework, I seriously look at it and say "whatever I don't want to know french anyways" 

What the fuck!? I love French! Anyone who knows me knows that I love French! But I think that, seriously. And I am just annoyed at everyone who passes by me. This absolutely sucks. I just want to get to the part where I like where I live!

I hope that understanding that this is just culture shock will make this a little easier for me. I mean most people take about a month or two to even get passed phase one. That either means that I am way ahead of the curve or a total baby. But I like to think I got through that whole PTSD phase rather quickly, that only took a year when it usually takes at least two or three. So maybe I can just handle things better. 

But its probably just that I am a huge baby and I want my mommy. Did I mention I want my mommy?

I feel like a huge dumb ass. I mean I'm in France for Christ's sake. I should be enjoy this. But you know what I did today? I went for a walk. I left after everyone in my host family did and then got back before them all. They aren't even back yet. They're going to think I didn't leave at all and then I get the happy task of telling them about how I'm homesick. Which I haven't figured out if its Je suis nastalgique or J'ai mal au pays (I hope its the latter because it literally translates to I have pain in my country). 

Thing that really gets me is that I have lived abroad before. Remember Greece? 

I'm sorry, I'll stop complaining about being in France. Because for Christ's sake I am in France I SHOULDN'T be unhappy! 

But I just miss home, thats all there is to it.