TRUEBLOOD V. TWILIGHT: THE THROW DOWN OF THE CENTURY

Since Vampire's are getting more popular then ever, and I just because finished watching the entire TrueBlood series as well as started reading the books the series spawned from, I decided to give the people what they want: sexy vampires.

TWILIGHT:

A bad movie based on an even worse book. Brought to you by that abomination of a writer Stephanie Meyer, who pretty much became a slayer of the English language when she came out with her poorly crafted, grammatically incorrect novel. This woman dedicated her last book to Muse and sites Linkin Park as one of her main inspirations. Who is this woman and why did she write? Oh, to bring screaming hoards of emo fangirls with no fashion sense and braces to swoon over the possibility of meeting a real life Edward. Keep on dreamin' girls, he's just around the corner waiting for you.

TrueBlood:

A HBO series loosely based on the novels of Charlaine Harris about a bar girl who falls for a vampire. Harris also wrote a series of novels that have about the same merit as Meyer's, but are far less obnoxious in the sense that they were written for an older audience and thus have much less emo fan girls crushing on a Southern vampy named Bill. Because honestly the name Edward is a far better vampire name, and Bills supposed to be like thirty, and omg that is just like way totally to old. Like I said, less obnoxious Twilight-ers makes me like it more, although her book is at the same writing level as Meyers, so I can't play it up too much.

THE THROW DOWN

Literary Merit:

Twilight: A story about your normal teenage girl who moves into this nowhere town in Washington and ends up dating the most coveted guy in school who also happens to be a vampire. Shocker. Not much of a plot in the sense that there really isn't one other then "omg omg he's so hot", and it kind of blows that in the first book Meyer sort of threw in a problem with other vampires because she had half the book written and realized all that she had done was talk about how hot Edward was. Ergo, she threw in some bad guys. Did ya cover foreshadowing in school honey? 

Dead Until Dark: This one automatically wins in the vampire genre for having a plot. That being, scientists have figured out a way to make synthetic blood, meaning that vampires can stop living their secret lives and 'come out of the coffin' (har-har). Meaning that some of them are adapting to local society, and like Americans - people intolerably freak out. Thus spawning a long winded set of murders through the town somehow related to vampires, and our little set of heros has got to figure it out before someone is wrongly accused. Hey, she had a plot. I'm happy. Although I must admit I did have a bad habit of skipping ahead to the interesting stuff.

On the Screen:

Twilight: Horrible acting on parts of everyone in the movie. But for some reason I still think its better then the book. Maybe its because we get to see Alice break someone's neck at the end, or the fact that the director worked in some foreshadowing. But mainly I think its because the 300+ pages of "omg i love you omg this isn't going to work because I'm a vampire omg he's so hot" were cut out. Although I must admit I was partial to the baseball scene, just because it had Supermassive Black Hole by Muse in it, so good work on the soundtrack.

TrueBlood: First off, I must say that its indie-creative opening song scene really makes me love this show all by itself. After that, there is much more character development and foreshadowing in the show then in the books. Sam and Jason and Tara (who isn't even in the first book) are actually full existing characters rather then just flat ones and you can follow there own little stories rather then just staying in Sookie's head - which is nice because first person perspective often bores me. It also really conveys the prejudice that 'out of the coffin' vampires face, which is something the book doesn't cover at all really. I have a feeling the series is going to start heading away from the book, because at the season finale there was this new teen chick vampire, who wasn't in the book. Which is fine because I think Bill and Sookie break up in the book, and I don't like sorrow in my mindless time-fillers. Although the downside is that, just like with the books, I found myself skipping ahead to the interesting stuff often.

Leading Ladies:

Bella Swan: In the book, a lot of Bella's internal dialogue is obnoxious and could easily be cut out. I could go without the ten pages about how hot Edward is every chapter. In the movie, whoever plays her can't really act, and thats okay because no one else in the movie can either. She doesn't really do too well with exclamation or anything like that at all, although my favorite part was probably towards the end while they're in the hospital and he's talking about leaving her, and her only response is some incoherent babble of words. Priceless. I usually pull for my leading ladies when they're brunette, just because I harbor resentment to all those 50s and 60s movies where the "bad girl" is always a brunette and the sweet leading lady is a blond. Somehow though, this one doesn't make me like her any more. Although I did like the mittens she wore.

Sookie Stackhouse: I'm just going to start by saying that Sookie is probably the first female character in a while that hasn't just annoyed the shit out of me. That being said, she's kind of obnoxious in the book. The series however makes up for that one pretty well. Although she can get obnoxiously dramatic at times and kick poor vampy Bill out when he needs to get laid (and thats just plain mean), I like the fact that she can live her life away from him and doesn't use him like an oxygen take like poor Bella constantly does in both the book and the movie. Did I mention the actress that plays her is award-winning? Well she is, and she is a damn good one. When she laughs, I laugh. When she cries, I probably do to. See, simply amazing.

Vampy-boys:

Edward Cullen: Although being somewhat of a turn on in the book, he always did get rather obnoxious with the whole "I think it would be best if you left me because I am dangerous and etc.", but hell he was still entertaining. And good mental eye candy. The movie kind of ruined that. The dude who plays Edward (who most of you will remember as the dude-who-died-but-still-couldn't-act in Harry Potter 4) cannot act. Simple. Another down is that for some disgusting reason, production of Twilight thought it was okay to put so much makeup on him that his neck and his face had different colors entirely, and they didn't bother to do away with his five-o-clock-shadow. He's also the owner of some pretty great lines, such as the infamous "skin of a killer". You tell her Edward. You tell her what a big bad killer you are, that's a special boy.

Bill Compton: Automatic props for the bangin' last name. Okay, so the dude has a freaky taste in music, so I'm gonna take those last name props away. Anyways, in the book he is almost obnoxious. And then he gets a little sex-crazed which kinda ruins the whole Southern Gentleman thing (although there is a particularly interesting quote about how the thought women's under-things during the civil war was sexy, freak). But he improves dramatically in the show, not really ruining that gentlemanly thing so badly. He also looks like a vampire, in the sense that he's kinda dark and twisted and not just some teenager running around. And he doesn't have this whole "I don't wanna kill people" thing, he's very realistic - I like that about him. Plus, he's got a really nice ass. 

Ooh thats Steamy...:

Lets jump to the fourth book: Where Edward and Bella get married, have apparently a lot of hot steamy sex that is never talked about but only slightly referenced to, and then pop out some kind of freaky demon child with a stupid name. I know I can be hard on Twilight and I have a bias against it, but what the fuck? No. Absolutely not. You lose, Meyer. The only thing this did was become a giant reason to remember your birth control.

Every book, and every episode: If you like graphic sex, don't read the books. Harris describes the sex vaguely and its kind of random when it does happen. But if you do like watching something that is almost porn but not as perverted, feel free to watch TrueBlood. Every episode. Hell, if its not her brother getting some or Tara, all you have to do is wait six episodes for Sookie to finally loose her V-card to the big V himself (aw man, horrible joke). And if their first scene isn't steamy enough for you, the do it in a graveyard later which at least had "WTF?" points in my mind.

My final verdict: 

TrueBlood wins by a landslide. Its like Obama in the 2008 elections. 

NOTE: I probably should have titled this post "REASONS WHY TRUEBLOOD KICKS TWILIGHT'S ASS", but maybe next time. 

GET YOUR MUSIC FIX AT SPINNER.COM

Now I know I do a lot of complaining and mockery of the crap that is online right now, but every now and then I find something beautiful. So I just had to share this awesomeness with someone. Spinner-dot-com is a website that I think is sponsored by AOL (down-points), but is pretty awesome in the sense that it uploads a free mp3 of the day, everyday. Its a great way to bulk up your music library and also get to know a couple of stars you (and probably no one else) has ever heard of. Hell, this is awesome. 

I WANT TO BE A VEGETARIAN

This is a new "pro-vegetarian" add that just came out, sponsored by PETA. It was set to air for the super bowl, but apparently this is just to steamy for TV (since when have almost naked women been inappropriate other then all the time in our Puritan society where women are told repetitively by the media to embrace there sexuality and then condemned for it?). All I can say is now I really want to be a vegetarian (and no, its not because of the women). 

NOTE: I totally apologize now and forever for anything I post here that has already been hardcore covered by media, since I am currently living in a different country and don't really know what's going on in the good ol' U.S. of A. And my personal favorite part is the woman licking the pumpkin.

R.E.M TOTALLY GOT THAT ONE RIGHT

Because December 21st 2012 is COMING motherfuckers. In fact you only have 1414 days 13 hours 11 minutes and 25 seconds left to prepare for it. What on EARTH are you doing reading this blog?! I mean, you have vital planning to do, people to say goodbye to, life dreams to fulfill, and 2012 survival kits to buy! If anything you are just wasting more of the precious moments you have left on this earth, because even though no one knows what's going to happen on 2012 (except for an expert team of Mayan scholars as said by CNN, but they don't count) the world is still holding its breath for someone to at least give them a little hint of what's going down. Well it's time to exhale world, Hollywood's got your back.

Thats right, the guys with the cameras have covered everything we've ever worried about. From vampire's who can't act to endless CGI animation that looks so real, we've finally got what's going to happen right here, we know what to expect, we know what the Earth is gonna do to us (what a bitch considering its not like we've even polluted or anything like that). 

Oh look, its a monk running from a giant title wave going over a mountain. Why does that seem impossible? Oh, wait. 

My favorite part of this has to be the epic questions at the beginning though, because thats both constructive to brainwashing an entire group of Americans as well as creating enough drama to make them shell out ten-seventyfive for a movie. And finally we come to on final conclusion: What is it that the government will do to prepare us? Absolutely nothing. Surprise, surprise.

Personal Note: My sister's pregnant again (woohoo!) and I really have to pee.

TOP FIVE RESONS FOR DATING A SWEDE

I have had my heart set on visiting Sweden for some time now. I mean who wouldn't want to visit Sweden? Okay so the Kronor isn't doing to hot right now, but look at all these other awesome perks! Sweden is a neutral country that has successfully stayed out of two world wars (maybe the US could learn a thing or two from that), has on of the longest life expectancy rates, is probably the least sexist country in the world, plans to be oil-free by 2020 (the US could learn a thing or two about that too), free education and health care, was originally founded by vikings, still has a face monarchy like England, and although its pretty much ass freezing in winter there are long summer days that are somewhat pleasurable (so I've heard)!

Did I also mention that Sweden has probably the most beautiful people in the world and pioneered the whole porn-thing, doncha know!? 

If you can tell where this is about to be headed, you guessed it. My number one reason for wanting to go to Sweden: Men. But come on, I have my reasons! In fact, here's five of them:

1. SKINNY BOYS WITH BLUE EYES

I don't know what it is either, but I have come to understand, after casually being interested in a few people, that there are two things I am physically attracted to above all. Skinny boys with blue eyes. If he is super tall (and Swedes are stereotypically as such), then it is all the more of a bonus for me, but I'm a hardcore sucker for a boy with big baby blues. One look into those and I melt like a marshmallow between chocolate and crackers. Sad.

2. A-FRICKEN-DORABLE

There is something just too perfect about a shy boy for me. Maybe its the fact that I'm a loud mouth who needs someone to balance her out, maybe its because deep down I'm shy too, but its probably because I get off on the whole strong-silent thing. Its interesting. What is he thinking? Why isn't he talking about his day? Why does he keep looking at his hands? Why won't he just tell me for the love of Christ? But something about it is just attractive. Apparently there is some kind of "look" they give out, like they just radiate "I'm a shy boy at heart but really I'm not I just want you to think I'm a shy boy but I'm really thinking normal male things about what your underwear looks like". But hey, fools me. 

3. LIKE OMG HE CAN READ

Since Sweden has free education, Swedes are pretty well educated and its rare that one of them doesn't even finish highschool. Trust me, coming from a girl who goes to a University with predominantly gay men, and those men around the University probably can't count without using there toes, education is a big deal for me. And in America having a highschool diploma doesn't grant you much in the way of smarts, at least in Sweden they have to read at there age level to graduate.

4. BECAUSE I AM THAT SHALLOW...

....and because I think indie elitist douche-bags are sexy, I like a man with some fashion sense. What else can I expect from the country that brought us H&M? I like a man who wears those obnoxious slightly heeled leather shoes with the pointed toe, straight legged jeans, and a crisp pea coat. Call me an indie elitist snob (and if you know me you probably have), but its extraordinarily sexy. Also, take a look at the model in this picture. Can you say Kat's dream boy? 

5. HE DOES WHAT?!

Dishes! You heard right! He does the dishes, and the laundry, and cleans the bathroom or the living room or anything else you possible could wish for him to clean - as long as you do your far share of cleaning too, that is. And the best part of that is that I'm not making it up, its true! Swedish men have been taught that they need to share all the work between a man and a woman (or man/man woman/woman depending on your preference). This goes along with Sweden being the least Sexist country in the world, consider it to be your California of Europe, Sweden is the testing ground for liberal movement and women's rights are a BIG one here. Just don't expect him to pay for your date.... (Best part of the cleaning thing, some study that I read some where a long time ago but I KNOW exists shows that men who do more housework have more sex. As long as the man is mine and the house is mine and the sex is mine, I see no down side here).

And I KNOW whats on the inside of someone is what really makes them attractive, but its always fun to make out these lists and who knows: maybe some Swede will read this and think we'll be perfect together. All I know is that my game plan here at the University de Grenoble is to make friends with the Swedes and bag me a hot Swedish boy... since I've heard the best place to grab one is outside of Sweden, and since this is France.....

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID..

Todays blog is all about stupid people, which spawned from the very first thing you'll probably be seeing on this page. Its times like these where I always remember a helpful line from one of my favorite comedians, Ron White : "You can't fix stupid". And you know what Ron, today I am going to prove you right. 

If anything, this just like totally proves that Beauty totally like comes with brains and that everyone is totally just jealous and that its totally NOT a beauty pageant its a scholarship contents to a university, or something like that so I can totally go to school with that one chick from the Hills! Its all about being smart(and apparently the Iraq).

In other news about stupid people (or I guess things that somehow made there way into people) all I have to say is this: What the fuck

Stephenie Meyer? 

From leaving the United States (which by my last post you can tell is a little hard for me) I was looking forward one thing above most all: no more god damned Twilight.

Good news for me. Here its not called Twilight, its "La Fascination", so in a twisted sense I think I got what I wanted (but still that wasn't exactly what I meant). Take a look at this crap: 

NOTE: Because they TOTALLY speak French in Forks, Washington its obvious that its been dubbed, which in mind mind grants it the WTF status I've given it. 

The only good thing (in my mind) that has come out of this stupid Twilight obsession would have to be the great video that some of us found before I left for France. Its probably the funniest thing I have seen in a while and it took a genius far greater then I to think this up. And who do we have to thank for this? Non other then those awesome Jizz in my pants guys. Check it out:

Who knows, maybe I'll go see the real thing in France (dubbed in French, of course). That would be an interesting experience. 

GRENOBLE

So if I start this blog with the next sentence, I know someone is going to kill me. But here it is:

I am so crazy homesick right now, its not even funny. 

Maybe I should back up a little bit.

See that picture in the corner? That would be yours truly with the Eiffel Tower, which was epic of course because its the Eiffel Tower. 

So I left the day before new years eve, and got here on new years eve. I got to my hostel and slept, Happy new year! 

My program didn't start until the fourth, so as far as the program goes, I've been here for about a week. My first thought when I woke up in the morning, after getting in on new years eve and crashing was that I should have waited to leave. 

When I booked my ticket, I got the one on new years eve because right after there was a huge spike in ticket prices. It didn't really occur to me that the couple hundred dollars I saved on that ticket I would be spending on hostels and food. Mistake number one. It would have been better worth it to me to waste that couple hundred bucks anyway and spend a little more time with my family and friends. I barely saw my family because I was stuck in Seattle due to all that stupid snow. I didn't get to finally move out of my apartment until the day before I left (also because of that stupid snow) and I packed right before I left for the airport (because I couldn't pack until I'd moved out of my apartment). I didn't get to spend any time with my family at all, and now I just wish that I could have spent more time with them before I left. I was rushing around so much that I didn't have time to remember I was leaving. And when I remembered I was so depressed about it that I couldn't stand to be around the people I was leaving.

I know I should be so happy. I mean for Christ's sake I'm in France! But I feel so lonely. I miss my family more then words can describe.

I don't know why, but I keep feeling like I am going to be home soon. And then I realize I won't be and it just kills me. Part of me wonders if its just too late to come back home and start back at Seattle University. And I know that I won't go back, and I know that I won't give up, I just don't really want to stay.

So I was looking online about culture shock, which they told us about before I left. According to some random website, there are apparently four stages. The honeymoon period, rejection, regression and isolation, and finally adjustment and adaptation. So the honeymoon period which is when someone is really super excited about there new country lasted about five minutes for me. I know, horrible. But I think its because I knew I wasn't coming home soon, so the whole reality thing set in for me. See when I went to Ireland that whole honeymoon period lasted pretty much up until the last few days, when I was just ready to go home. But I wont be in France for three weeks, I'll be here for six months. Thats a little longer. Just sayin'.

According to my unprofessional experience, I am probably in between the second and third stage. Now the almighty internet says a few different things but in either two or three, someone will begin feeling isolated, homesick, and anger or resentment towards the culture they are in. I am three for three.

When I am doing my homework, I seriously look at it and say "whatever I don't want to know french anyways" 

What the fuck!? I love French! Anyone who knows me knows that I love French! But I think that, seriously. And I am just annoyed at everyone who passes by me. This absolutely sucks. I just want to get to the part where I like where I live!

I hope that understanding that this is just culture shock will make this a little easier for me. I mean most people take about a month or two to even get passed phase one. That either means that I am way ahead of the curve or a total baby. But I like to think I got through that whole PTSD phase rather quickly, that only took a year when it usually takes at least two or three. So maybe I can just handle things better. 

But its probably just that I am a huge baby and I want my mommy. Did I mention I want my mommy?

I feel like a huge dumb ass. I mean I'm in France for Christ's sake. I should be enjoy this. But you know what I did today? I went for a walk. I left after everyone in my host family did and then got back before them all. They aren't even back yet. They're going to think I didn't leave at all and then I get the happy task of telling them about how I'm homesick. Which I haven't figured out if its Je suis nastalgique or J'ai mal au pays (I hope its the latter because it literally translates to I have pain in my country). 

Thing that really gets me is that I have lived abroad before. Remember Greece? 

I'm sorry, I'll stop complaining about being in France. Because for Christ's sake I am in France I SHOULDN'T be unhappy! 

But I just miss home, thats all there is to it.